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It's everywhere! It's everywhere! It probably makes up 90% of the known universe. In fact, it's what holds the whole universe together. But just try getting your hands on some. eBay doesn't have any. It's out of stock at Amazon, and Overstock.com never even heard of it!

It's DARK MATTER and, thanks to Captain Earth Science and the good folks at Zwicky Industries we can now make this exclusive offer. For the first time anywhere, limited quantities of ultra-pure, grade A, homogenized, fortified, and 100% cholesterol-free dark matter can be yours for the unheard of price of just $19.95 plus shipping and handling.

Yes, we offer only the most succulent, ripe particles snatched at the peak of perfection just before vanishing into the event horizon surrounding the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy. Quick frozen and rushed straight to your door our product, the darkest available anywhere, is sure to satisfy even the most discriminating physicist in the family. But wait! There's more!

If you order NOW we'll send you, absolutely free of charge a sample of our latest product: Dark Matter Lite. Yes, it looks and feels just like our regular dark matter but with only half the mass and one third the calories. And it's free! Just pay separate shipping, routing, sorting, packaging, delivery, tracking and handling charges. But remember, supplies are limited so act NOW!

Our guarantee: If our product fails to perform for any reason, just obtain a 'return authorization' form (available at our  Zimbabwe branch, closed during the rainy season) and return the unused portion in the original container together with the notarized return form to:

Dark Matter
1 Zwicky Plaza
Masvingo, Zimbabwe                                                                                                                                
29756-8643

Attention: Steve